if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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