I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
