So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
