I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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