even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
In other news, I just burned my penis
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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