the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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