I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
