so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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