but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
