Even the bartender felt bad for me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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