i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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