when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
