I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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