I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
