This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
did i walk over a car last night?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
