His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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