life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
