I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Randomize
