Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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