I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
