pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
