Tell her she can't have a vagina
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
