she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
