if i can run in heels then i can drive
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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