He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
