Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
