she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
