One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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