Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
