somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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