I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize