tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
