Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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