Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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