If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
