Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
