i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
