Me. At least after what I've been through.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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