The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Are my feet made of real feet?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
