As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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