Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
