Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
