did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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