if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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