I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
