I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
