just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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