Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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