you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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