rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
