My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
