im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
