I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
