You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
