That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
